Stories, Success & Stuff
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A Siarza Production
Hosted by Kristelle Siarza & Jace Downey
Executive Producer: Kristelle Siarza
Producer: Jace Downey
Videographer/Editor: Justin Otsuka
Stories, Success & Stuff
Episode 23: You Asked, We Answered: Part Dos
Join us for Part Dos of our Q&A this week. We're tackling inner conflict, working relationships, overwhelm, giving up and more! You asked. We answered. Catch it all now with Stories, Success & Stuff.
A Siarza Production
Hosted by Kristelle Siarza Moon & Jace Downey
Executive Producer: Kristelle Siarza Moon
Producer: Jace Downey
Video/Editing: Justin Otsuka
Watch episodes at siarza.com/siarza-podcast
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www.misskristelle.com
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www.jacedowney.com
I used to give a lot of weight to those negative comments because to me they seemed more real and helpful. Like shame is never a catalyst for change. It's never worked. It never will. Upbeat music playing upbeat music playing.
Kristelle:Another question let's see how do you deal with your inner bully or critic.
Jace:Oh, hmm, I have less and less of that. It's still in there for sure. It used to be really mean, like I'm cringing because I'm like, oh, I used to be so mean to myself and my inner critic was just like everything under scrutiny all the time. Constantly I'm like I wonder what's such a miserable son of a bitch, like I just had this voice telling me I was wrong all the time. Um, so I try to meet it with understanding and kindness now and I know that sounds super lame, but I'll be like okay, I hear you, I'm listening. Alright, like, I give it time, I give it acknowledgement, I'll actually consider it. Like, is there anything useful in there for me? Um, and many times I just sass back at this point. Sass back, oh, I sass back.
Kristelle:Oh yeah.
Jace:To yourself yes, okay, yeah, I have an inner voice that is very protective and very sassy and she will jump in and stand up for me often times, Like so, developing a mama bear internally has been really helpful for that. And then I've had to. I actually and I remember reading this book in particular how, what to say when you talk to yourself. It's one of the best books I've ever read what to say when you talk to yourself, what to say when you talk to yourself, and it, like has you know, breaks down the research on how we talk to ourselves and the impact that that has, and all of these different things and like what when we're negative, and all that. It was one of the most mind-blowing books. Actually, having a standard practice of changing the way I talk to myself brought that inner critics voice way, way, way way down, so that, oh gosh, if you're, if you have a really loud critic, that's one of the best books I could recommend.
Kristelle:I do, and it's something that actually, I think, led to my like mental collapse last week. I talk about depression rarely. I talked about my anxiety a lot. If I was to illustrate what does anxiety look like, it's just me with more hair and that's my version of anxiety Like because I look nuts. Yeah, I had a mental collapse last week and it was just really difficult for me to get get by, and I always like to share this with if, if I'm comfortable, because I want somebody else to take note of this and just say you know, you're not alone. And I was incredibly hard on myself last week. I was saying to myself that I was a terrible business owner, I was a terrible wife, I was a terrible mom and I said to myself this is not me. I just need to get out of this funk that I'm in. But I also need to give myself the space to be in that low point, Because I and and somebody told me this once a great friend said the only direction you're going is up at that point.
Kristelle:And so whenever I am just a bully to myself or a critic to myself I even tell my son this too I say, dude, you need to be nice to yourself. You need to be nice to yourself and just say, look like this kindness or this bullying that you're giving yourself is just it's not healthy for you and you're just being really hard on yourself, it's not accomplishing anything. People sometimes just don't want to be around you anymore because of the fact that you're just difficult on yourself and they're going to try really hard to tell you how they feel or try to tell you how great you are, and you just can't listen because if you're just not in the right headspace for it. So I will say that, and one of the things I think is kind of fascinating about myself that I'm learning, or I have learned, is that when it's when the highs are really high, the lows are really low, and I don't know why that is, but I'm looking into it. So that way I stopped being an inner bully to myself.
Kristelle:But think about this August I get, or August I reconnect with my family. September I get married and then on top of that, we go on this epic trip for, you know the San Francisco Cowboys game, and then all of a sudden we win the Coombra's and the company's going firing on all cylinders. So all those five things, I was like I don't know how much higher I can get and then all of a sudden I just crashed and I just was just a dead to society at that point in time. So I think, understanding why my mind went from that up and down that rhythm, I don't, I don't know. I don't expect to know the answer. I just know I'm cognizant of it or I know when it's in my vicinity, so that way I know what to do to manage it and not be pushed to that point again or more importantly, just be nice to myself.
Kristelle:So that way I don't listen to that inner critic anymore.
Jace:We have this weird idea that negative things are more accurate or more truthful or more beneficial. Like, if you're a very positive person and optimistic people, go well, I'm just a realist. Like the negative side is more real and it's not. And we I used to give a lot of weight to those negative comments because to me they seemed more real and helpful. Like shame is never a catalyst for change. It's never worked, it never will.
Jace:Neither is guilt, yeah, guilt can't be, because it's like, oh, we've learned something and all that, but like actually attacking oneself doesn't create change. It creates more opportunities to do this. You know harmful things to ourselves because we think we're a terrible person. Yeah Right, so the shame thing isn't helpful. And then when people start saying positive things, they think it's like fluffy or less.
Jace:They just less substantial, yeah, and it's like neither is any more true. So just pick the one that helps you align with who you are in life you want to live yeah.
Kristelle:And then do that, isn't? It has studies to show that it's more difficult to actually be positive than it is to be negative.
Jace:We have a negativity bias. The brain is always looking for things that's going to going to cause harm or potentially kill us because it's a fight or flight instinct.
Kristelle:Yeah.
Jace:So it's alert for those type of things. So, and we also live in a society that so many companies profit off of negativity and off of us being in those like lower emotions, like fear and anger and things like that. And now we're in this like really yucky cycle around it as well. Yeah, where I remember saying something that I liked about myself I think I shared this before and this this woman told me well, don't you think highly of yourself, I know? And I said yes, yeah, don't you? And like the look on her face was like oh shit. And I'm like, yeah, why would I be being mean to myself? Yeah, but we, that's the norm, right, like, if I, you know, self deprecating humor and all that is the norm, but it doesn't have to be inside yet it can take an extra work.
Kristelle:Yeah, it definitely can take extra work.
Jace:I say, speaking of depression, which is something I know, you know I deal with regularly. It's like a buddy that's always just hanging out quietly waiting me like a bad tattoo.
Kristelle:Just won't go away.
Jace:It's like do you should I jump in yet Do you want? Do you want me here now?
Kristelle:Mine punch me in the face. Yeah, my, sometimes it'll be like, by the way, I was here the whole time like building and I'm like great, now we're here, let's see there was OK.
Jace:What do you do when everything feels like too much and you want to give up?
Kristelle:I need to. I was looking at like these questions earlier when you were talking. I didn't see that one. Ok, who that crypto money? What do you want? Ok, so say that again. What?
Jace:do you do when everything feels like too much and you want to give up? Which sounds kind of a little bit like what you were describing from last week.
Kristelle:Oh yeah, and now you're on the other side of it. So what did?
Jace:you do what was helpful.
Kristelle:Oh, what did I do when I wanted to give up? I had to reevaluate what was on my mental list of things I still wanted to do, because we had the motivation episode right where I talked about you know what is my motivation? Why have I lacks that motivation and I have little things I want to accomplish. And I have little things I want to accomplish, but nothing so major or nothing motivating to be that major anymore, because I've already accomplished the big things I want to do. Accomplish I wanted to open up a company, be a mom, be married or have a partner right and have people that I love around me and take care of my family, like I took care of those things and I still am right. So I think what kept me going was the fact that it goes back to the people. The people around me, right? The people around me bring me so much life husband, kid you Justin the rest of the staff, rest of the team, the, the nonprofit, the mission work that we do like.
Kristelle:For example, I got a text from one of the clients at the Asian business collaborative that he's about to sign, at least on his new business, and that brought me so much joy. It reminded me why I'm still here or why I'm still doing what I do, because knowing that that person is doing really well, but he did it on his own, but he I was behind him, just giving him a pat on the back, not telling him what to do. It was, it was such a joy. And then I also looked at my aunt. I hung her picture. Two weeks ago was her, her death anniversary and I hung her picture in my wall from the picture I found of her during the wedding and her legacy still hasn't been fulfilled yet. And I feel like there's a couple more things I need to do to cross off the list to make sure her legacy is still fulfilled or still continues on.
Kristelle:And I know I'm one of the basis of the puzzle. For that I'm not the person continuing on her legacy. The whole Asian community is. But I thought about that and I said you know, losing her was so painful and commemorating her life, I think, is good motivation to kind of keep going, right.
Kristelle:So I think about the people that help me get to where I am, and I think about the people that are around me now and they give me motivation. So I don't know if that's the best answer per se. I was kind of trying to figure that question out, but the people around me bring me joy. So, yeah, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. You look like you're going to cry. I'm not going to cry.
Jace:I'm just thinking. You know this is something that I've come up against many times. I think all of us do right, and especially anybody who does set outside of convention and do their own thing. It's a tough journey and a lot comes up in that and there's a lot of loneliness that can come up, that sense of nobody understands type of thing and whatnot. And I'm just viewing different versions of myself from the past that are right there where you were talking.
Kristelle:There was a Cards Against Humanity card we played in on Friday. I love that game, I really love that game. And there was a card that says I just want to be able to call my mom and give her a hug, because life's not fair. Yeah, and my son was the one who gave it to me and I was like oh, are you having problems, son? And so it was just kind of cute, because you just have those moments where you're like I just want my mom.
Jace:Yeah, I had a moment. This is a weird story that I don't know why is coming out of my mouth right now, but I was really struggling this weekend and having big emotional stuff that's been coming up that I've been working through in my own emotional healing and I tried to set time aside Because I'm like it's OK to be sad. I don't run from it anymore. So I'll try to be like OK, let's sit with the sadness. And it was like no, I'm good, I'm good, I don't need anything. And I was like OK, are you sure? Because I definitely feel you in there and I feel like I need to cry. And it was like no thanks. And I was like OK.
Jace:And so then I go about my day. I'm outside at 2 30 in the morning walking the dogs, and it's like, oh, now, now I'd like to come out. And so I'm just sobbing, I'm just crying. At 2 30 in the morning, downtown, walking the dogs, and I like to be near the ground when I'm upset Always happen Like if I was sad as a kid. You won't find me on the kitchen floor, and that's still true to this day. And so I was like well, I guess it's happening now. Let's go ahead and let it happen.
Jace:So I sit down on the sidewalk and I'm leaning up against a wall and I'm just audibly sobbing, I mean worried. I'm going to wake the people up, that I'm in front of their place and all of a sudden I feel this presence next to me is not an angel or anything. Don't worry, not, don't worry, that'd be cool too. Maybe it was, I don't know. And this person sits down with me and he's like why are you crying? Oh no, and I was like because I'm sad. And he was like well, why are you sad? And I was just like well, I guess I'm just going to be super open with this stranger, because why not? We're here in the middle of the night.
Jace:But you can never see them again. I hope not. He might live there.
Jace:I don't know, and I just said I was honest, and I said my life just hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. Nothing, nothing in my life is the way I thought it was going to be, or that I worked towards and just like all the stuff. So I'm just crying and then he's like is it your job? And he's asking me these things. And finally I turn to see who's sitting next to me. This guy is wearing a Letterman jacket, he's got a peach fuzz mustache that like a 13-year-old would envy. And I was like, oh goodness, gracious, young, super young guy.
Kristelle:Yeah, and we're talking.
Jace:I thought I was like, how old are you, how old was he? And he's like I'm 23. No Well, I'm, part of me thought that too, where I was like boy, because he's telling me like life can be really hard and there's just so much in life that can be hard. And so he tells me he's 23. And then I thought you know what? I had gone through a lot by 23. And I'm like I don't know his life, I'm not going to be like oh, what do you know? You're only 23. And he even said he was like but I've gone through a lot already. And I was like I'm going to believe you, I had a shit storm coming my way at 23. I thought I had gone through a lot. It was about to get way worse, but anyway, so we talk it out. And he's just he's petting the dogs and he's just letting me cry and he's had like a good. So my mom wasn't there, but a 23-year-old.
Kristelle:Letterman jacket.
Jace:Yeah, the guy who looked like he was going through puberty helped me out. And then, because it's Albuquerque and because I live downtown, this is unusual. I hear gunshots pretty much every day. But there was an automatic rifle on my block going off. It was legit scary. Like normally I'm like OK, gunshot, you know, you get used to them. But that was like literally right on my block, coming our way and I was like that is our cue and I was like do you have somewhere to be inside?
Kristelle:And he was like yes.
Jace:And so he like walked me part of the way and I was like no, go, Like I live here, Like go. And then I had this like really strong inkling to just be like, by the way, some things get cooler as you get older. It's not all bad. I'm like here's this 23-year-old starting jaded, like life's hard, and I'm like it is hard. I was here for this one stranger.
Kristelle:She told me, it sucks.
Jace:But then I'm like, but also because it does like, if I think back 10 years ago where I was like, oh my goodness, I was such a mess and I wouldn't have guessed where I am today and I do have so many things that have gone well. Did it turn out the way I thought? No, is it over. Sure, ain't have some things turned out way better than I thought. Yes, it's just like that sense of like, kind of being rudderless, right, like not really, and then losing motivation from that too, Cause it's like well then, why work towards anything if it's just not going to work out and things they, they shift and change. You got to be able to pivot, right, but so I didn't have my mom. But I would never receive comfort from a, from a young stranger in the middle of the night he reminds me of my son.
Kristelle:And this will be the second and last point before we ask one more question, so we'll wrap up. So sometimes my son surprises the shit out of me, 15 years old right. Right now he's in his um uh confident era Very, very isolating.
Jace:Yeah, they know everything. Yeah, what a burden to carry. They know everything, yeah.
Kristelle:When he listens to this podcast he's like man, my mom is so mean about me, but I what? What I mean specifically about this part is that sometimes he says something out of nowhere. That was just exactly what I needed to hear.
Jace:And I surprise.
Kristelle:it surprises me because I didn't expect it to be so prolific. Um, but I've been told that my by my family, that my son is very emotionally intelligent, so of course I have that respect for him and of course I respect them as a as my kid. But he just comes out of nowhere with something that's just like sound advice and I'm going how? How the hell did you? Is that Bosque?
Jace:education really paying off? What do they teach you there?
Kristelle:Yeah, what do they teach you over there? And so, yeah, you never know where wisdom or comfort comes from. It's just in the most odd places, absolutely.
Jace:I always believe. Everyone has something to teach us. I was saying my mom really instilled in me like everyone you meet could have something to teach you like listen and not make assumptions. And young people know things, young people have some shit figured out Like, so you know, we, I think I think you're right, I think you can learn a lot from your son.
Kristelle:Yeah, no, I, I 100% agree. I'm going to wrap up with this last question and we'll make it quick. So so, since we're running out of time, um, it's a good way to end the show, because sometimes it doesn't, it does or doesn't uh show how we're. We are outside of the table, so all the show, you guys don't always agree. Hmm, how does that affect your work together off camera? Oh, I'm going to let you answer that one first. Um, it's actually very, it's a very good dynamic with us outside of this table. I say that because if I wanted to hire people that were, yes, man's or, yes, women, um, I would be out of business.
Jace:Hmm.
Kristelle:I'm always a big believer in like comfortable debate. I was a speech and a bater. I loved speech and debate. I loved arguing and even my husband loves it and hates it at the same time because I can have a conversation with him and I just like put him in a corner with with. It's never personal, never malicious, but I always welcome debate. It's very mentally challenging and like mentally stimulating for me.
Kristelle:So when we are are debating here, it's a debate where we're usually like having the same point but going in different directions or like crossing over each other, not in a negative way, but one one of the things I find working with you is that we uh I don't have to train you on the entrepreneur's mindset and you look at it from a lens of a small business owner, which is obviously our target audience, or from a business owner's perspective, which is the target audience. So I I feel a very large sense of comfort and trust with you. That the debate parts just it to me is an added benefit, not a negative. So that's why I say it Like I think outside of the room, like we do really well. I feel that we do really well. We always have things that we need to work on, like progress and challenges, like, for example, I think my favorite one was we were.
Kristelle:I thought you were stuck on something and you're like no, no, no, this is taking me a lot of work. And I'm like, okay, I'm not mad, I'm not upset, it's not an order taker, an order taker kind of situation what do we need to do together to actually accomplish the goal? And I threw out an idea. You're like that's a great idea. Okay, let's go. That's how I am. Sometimes things can be lost in translation with any of us because we channel slack a lot, but no, I really enjoy the space that we're in together at work, including in this space. You adjusted, your part is a fold of the really incredible people here at the company.
Jace:You've definitely fostered a collaborative environment. I hope so. I think so, and I know something that I've worked on that you've helped me with, which is exactly and this might come as a surprise, I don't know that I've actually said this to you, but you knew, with me coming in, I didn't want to run a business anymore. I was tuckered out. I had closed mine. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want all the responsibility, I don't want to be there, and yet that was the habit that I was coming from. It was the lifestyle I was coming from. I have a group project. I always step into that leadership role. It's just kind of been a natural one for me, and we've talked about where I need to remember my limit there, that at the end of the day, it's your company and what I've not shared with you is.
Jace:That's one of the things I actually was looking for when I wanted to go to work for someone again, having someone that I was going to respect, to teach me how to be a support instead of a leader. I already know how to be a leader. I was a born leader. I want to know how to support others, to facilitate their vision and to facilitate other leaders. That is such an honor to play for me, and so I wanted to choose strong leaders and I know I told you in Danielis and I wasn't brown-nosing in my interviews like I can work many places, but how is it going to help me be a better version of me? And I wanted to be mentored by strong women leaders to learn how to be a support to them. And so I think it maybe started out as an uncomfortable conversation when you were like, hey, you need to remember this is my business. There comes those times and I was like, yes, thank you, give me that direction. That's exactly why I came to work for you.
Kristelle:I appreciate that, but I also think that there's always the term managing up. There's a time like remember last Friday you were like I felt the procrastination crystal and I was like, yep, I really needed to hear that You're managing up. And managing up is as crucial as managing downward or managing laterally or as a team or collaboratively. And I think what having somebody that understands that mindset of the ups and downs and also understanding lack of structure and mindset, like I think you thrive when you're actually doing your thing. That's why you're the least of my worries, just the least of my worries.
Kristelle:Everybody's the least of my ever. Yeah, afterthought.
Kristelle:No, I mean that Some people don't. Actually, spencer and I talk about it a lot. He's like I hate your management style. He didn't say hate. He's like I can't work for you. And I was like well then, don't say that I treat you like an employee. He's like no, no, no. He's like I can't work for you because I'm from the military.
Kristelle:He grew up in a regimen, he grew up in detail. He's wired that way. He's like I just don't understand how you guys are so loose and goosey. And I said you know what, if I have to ask somebody, tell them what to wear, manage the time that they show up, how they need to act and professionalism. That's just exhausting and I'm sorry. I'm not going to babysit, I'm just going to let you do you and if it works out, great. If you don't get your shit done, then maybe we'll talk about something else later. I don't know. People criticize that a lot and that's just my management style and everybody else has a different way of managing. There's some people that hated the pandemic because they couldn't see over their employee's shoulder. Sorry, I don't care, I don't even want to see your screen. You do. You Do your best and help out a client. Don't help me help a client.
Jace:Yeah, and the results will be there or they won't, and then that person is not a good fit for you, and I think you do surround yourself with people that make sense for you, which is a smart move. They're not. Yes, men, they're not. Everybody here is exactly the same. No, by any means.
Kristelle:Trust me, strategic planning has not been. Yes, ma'am, Definitely not Right. You open that door, they go and kick it in.
Jace:And yet there is that culture of community here and that we at least me I feel that I'm a respected member of the team.
Kristelle:And if I?
Jace:disagree. I can be like, hey, to each their own, like, do what you want to do, but here's what I'm seeing on this side, which can be a scary thing to do.
Kristelle:We talked to Salvador incredible guy. He said something that was very interesting. There's a lot of psychological safety around here. Yeah, that's what he said. And I was like, what does that mean? Those are fancy words to me. And he's like you, emotionally, you let your team be safe around you, it's OK to fail. And I was like, oh, is that what it's called? So I thought that was pretty cool, yeah.
Jace:Well, creating that within a business or within ourselves is hard but fun. It's fun and it's crucial. It's where creativity comes from. It's where I think a big part of success comes from, because we allow failure to be there, we allow trying to be there, we allow different versions of self-expression to be there. Creating that for yourself first and then letting that shed out to the rest of the team was probably a big part of why we do what we do so well.
Kristelle:Great way to end today's podcast. Thank you, we are very grateful for you listening, as well as our mom always listening, and thanks for these really great questions for those of you that have submitted. Don't forget to subscribe to your favorite podcast channel or social media channels at CRS of the Agency. Otherwise, I'm Crystal. This is Chase. Thanks again for another great episode of Stories, success and Stuff. Ta ta da.
